Friday, March 30, 2007

Oh, Boy, It Never Ends

Okay guys, I'm back with a tin can and string. Since my satellite is still intermittently working, I am forced to utilize dial up. My only telephone jack is in the kitchen so I am rigged up at the kitchen counter. Fun oh fun. Plus it is flooding out here again which means the low water crossings have me trapped.

I have attempted to call hubby numerous times this week. He doesn't answer my calls. It is hard enough being separated but this action is hurtful as you may well imagine. I feel abandoned out here in the sticks and mighty depressed.

Yesterday was full of mayhem but thankfully everything turned out alright. First my Bengal cat, Mo, had an abscess on his side (unsure what happened) that was going to require surgery. Once we arrived at the vet office, it was determined that somehow during the night the area in question had burst and drained itself. Yuck. BUT, Mo did not require surgery just antibiotics.

Upon returning home, Tux bunny was not in his pen outside. The little dickens must have climbed the fence. Much ado 15 minutes later, I locate him stretched out in the back pasture enjoying his new found freedom. (See my big dog doesn't kill everything - unlike the black buck incident - guess he learned from his previous 2 days of time out.)

So Tux would not come to me and I was walking all over the place cutting through the barbed wire trying to be careful to not pull another leg injury! Finally, he ran out of breath and I was able to pick him up. Covered in mud, I brought him inside for a bath. Much thankfulness later, it dawned on me that I had avoided a huge vet bill and the loss of a bunny.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Gifts For Teacher

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it."Is it white wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

Wordless Wednesday

Monday, March 26, 2007

Bull to Market

She was in line before us. Alone with a loaded trailer carrying two bulls for slaughter, she had backed up to the loading arena. Gray pony-tailed hair under a baseball cap framed the face of a rough life. In her sparkling, hopeful eyes, I foresee these same circumstances as mine and am at a loss for energy or indications to avoid it.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Cowboy in Gay Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' "

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'I really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on abeer,"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks,"Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes alickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'"And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comesup with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'!!!!!"

The Gay Times

In college, I sometimes hung out with a girl from my high school. Imagine my surprise running into her on campus after not having seen her for a few years. A. lived with her boyfriend Chris. Chris was a spoiled little rich kid that had been adopted by a Dallas physician and his wife. Having never worked a day in his life, it wasn't beyond him to degrade people in the service industries. Many times he told managers how they were lowly nothings.

Chris rarely left the apartment, spending most of his time dubbing music to videos such as the Beatles, Rolling Stones, etc. clips to Robert Tilton. (Click on name to view hilarious video.) LOL

A couple of girls would usually be over at the apartment practically every time I visited. One of these girls studied anthropology and we shared a common interest in history, going antiquing, and visiting cemeteries.

One evening a group of us got together for a cookout. Upon discovering that we were missing a needed ingredient, I offered to go to the store. Another gal, that I just met that night volunteered to go with me. We are almost at the store when this gal says," I am attracted to you." WTF. I nearly wreaked the car.

Seeing that I was very shaken up, she informed me that she was bisexual and that the two girls that hung out with Chris were lesbians, stating, "You didn't know?"

Hell no, I didn't know. It never even dawned on me to think about people's sexual preferences.

After realizing that I wasn't that way and after I overcame being freaked out, M.L. and I became good friends - NOT in THAT way. Just friends.

She was a mentor to me: a former military officer, divorced, highly educated and was not the least bit "butch." We became the best of friends and spent numerous hours discussing philosophical issues and life. Never before and never since have I had a friend that I totally trusted and could always depend upon.

After college and meeting my future husband, M.L. and I just sort of drifted apart. I moved and we let time lapse. I have not spoken to her in 15 years.

The other day I was thinking about her and how much I miss having a such a good friend. I sincerely hope wherever she is that happiness abounds in her life.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Wordless Wednesday

One Kind Act Wednesday

Loving Annie This was a kind act toward me:

Late last Friday night I decided to go grocery shopping at the new HEB aboout 35 miles away. (It is one of those overwhelming places that is part Central Market and even sells furniture.) As I was trying to drag a huge bag of cat food onto the bottom rack of my cart, a young man (about 12 years of age) ran up to me asking to help. How sweet and it wasn't as if he was standing near me as he was on the horizontal aisle. I thanked him, told him what a gentleman he was and assured his mother that she was doing a great job raising him to be a very nice young man.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Texas Tuesday: Handmade Tables

While traveling through Hopkins County, one happens upon all kinds of unique individuals, each with their own talent and abilities. One such individual is Lynn Blevins, a native of Ontario, California, who now resides near Lake Fork. By day, Lynn is a carpenter and landscape designer, but his first love is crafting wood. Lynn learned his craft at the feet of his grandfather. "My grandfather was a dry-wall contractor in California, but at night, when he'd come home I'd follow him to his shop and watch every move he made," denoted Blevins. "He taught me how to take the roughest of lumber and wood products and craft them into a work of art. I've done this from the time I was 5 or 6 years old!"

Currently, Blevins is crafting tables using both oak and mahogany wood that originally was used as boxcar flooring. Much of the wood was installed in the train boxcars 50 to 60 years ago, and according to the texture, Blevins states that it was virgin hardwood of the best quality. He takes the strips of wood that are "doweled" together with aluminum dowels and separates each piece, before he begins crafting his designs.

Hours of time is spent making a design for a table, according to Blevins. "I work with the design in my head for a few days until I get it to perfection," states Blevins. "And, if you were to ask me what the next design I was going to do, I couldn't tell you. I have to see the wood and figure what will highlight the texture and quality of the grain. Then, I can tell you what the design that will best utilize the wood will be."

After working with the design and assessing the wood, Blevins begins the process of cutting each individual piece to fit the design. Then, it is hours upon hours of sanding the the wood to obtain a table-top smoothness, before the final product is ready for assembly. Blevins mixes his own wood filler, using sawdust from the original wood to make a perfect match.

"With the proper design and the proper amount of preparation, any wood can be made into an object of beauty," affirms Blevins. "However, both the oak and mahogany have qualities of beauty that are unsurpassed in woodworking. And, when you can blend the two, you have a truly beautiful piece of furniture."

Blevins' tables are sold in specialty shops and antique malls, as well as by custom order. Prices are determined by the size of the table and the number of hours that must be spent to complete the project. Small coffee tables begin at $50.00 and increase in price with the more intricate designs. Dining tables begin at $800.00 and increase when larger pieces are made and with the more detail that is included in the design.

"I would rather visit with the individual customer and assess their particular taste, then use my abilities to design a table to fit their unique desires," affirms Blevins. "That way, they are happy and have a piece of art that they can enjoy for generations."

Blevins seals all of his tables with a marine varnish that is used on ships, thus making it durable and extremely stain resistant.

For custom orders of a beautiful table, Blevins can be reached at (903)383-2705, for an appointment.

by Bobby McDonald
Reprint from original article located here.

Monday, March 19, 2007

More Politically Correct Tips

My last two posts have been teasingly referenced as politically incorrect/correct or referred to said PC. Most everyone who reads me knows that I tend to be lighthearted in my posts and do not intend to be making a subverted point. (If I've got something to say about a subject, you'll know it). Anyhow, this nice young man went on a rant about Liberals and me pissing him off, etc. all over my "Then & Now" post on Wednesday. Of course, I explained to him that I was not making a political statement and most of us over the age of 35 think this stuff is humorous (We have to laugh about it or sulk and blame someone for our poor traumas) .
Now, here is an opinionated statement from me: Back then - Little Johnny back talks teacher, is sent to the coach who paddles him with a special-for-the-occasion two-inch- thick board with holes drilled into it. Johnny cries, receives more paddling for it, and has horrible bruises on his bottom and legs for weeks. No one says or does a thing about it. Nowadays: MFs better not even think about touching a kid with a board, let alone beat them to bruising. (I'll beat that teacher myself.) (Note to D.: this is the kind of crap I and others my age experienced in school. No one is claiming a political stance, just that there must be a happy medium). Okay now that I've upset myself with this crap and ruined the following supposedly funny post -


1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."



5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Now THIS is Politically Incorrect

Farmer driving to town has to make a pit stop. He makes it to a stall in the local McD's and was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

Not being the type to start a conversation in the restroom but not knowing what to do, he answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, Farmer Joe Bob is thinking this is too bizarre so he says: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point the ole farmer is just trying to get out as fast as he can when he hears another question: "Can I come over?"

Thinkin' "What the f... is wrong with this city boy?." He tells the feller, "Hell no!"

Then he hears the fool say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's a Redneck idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

(In the real word the city feller received an ass whuppin' right after he finished his conversation and he never used his cellular telephone in the restroom again.)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Then & Now

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Parents get extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with Psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a fire ant bed.

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

(P.S. I may be MIA for a few days as the bunny bit into my laptop AC adapter and my battery has 30% remaining until I go purchase a new power supply.)

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Wordless Wednesday


There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST: The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out.

SECOND: Have you locked your keys in the car?Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"

THIRD: Hidden Battery Power Imagine - your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

FOURTH: How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:
* # 0 6 # (That's an asterisk before the first #.) A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.And Finally....

FIFTH: Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.
(Disclaimer by editor: I have not tested these.)

One Kind Act Wednesday

Loving Annie After telling Anne that I would participate in One Kind Act Wednesday, I am at a loss for anything to write. Actually, I have not left the property in about a week and rarely have contact with anyone anymore. Here is my very lame kind act: In trying to sort out an extra charge on a bill, I remained calm and polite despite the rudeness of the customer service representative. I thanked her for her time and hung up the phone.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

We Had a Flood

Pictures outside my back door!

On another note: I am watching Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC (ya know the predator episodes) and this particular show is about the 10 most-notable stings. Laughing aloud at this. NOT because the subject and actions of the blankety-blank-blank-blanks doesn't appall me but because the LOOK on their faces when they are BUSTED! (Especially the ones that undress before Chris confronts them ya gotta laugh at the shock on Chris' face, too when he comes out and sees a pervert in all his tiny manhood). Priceless.

Damn, I wish I was there to beat the living daylights out of the worthless pieces of crap: the firefighter, the doctor, the teacher, the rabbi, the cocksucker.... I wonder, are there women that do this crap? Should Dateline address that? Do they? Oh, they just said they have done 10 investigations and have never busted a woman. One time in Georgia a woman was going to bring her boyfriend with her to meet an underage girl - only the man showed. Everyone in unison: GO NBC AND CHRIS HANSEN - heroes!

There have been numerous spoofs about Chris Hansen. I will not take issue with that despite the attempted and/or successful humor because society as a whole is being informed - get out the message as long as no one is harmed. (I know - it can be a catch 22 with emotional issues but overall I think the messages help.)

Texas Tuesday: Michael Ray Charles

Yesterday, I posted a few photos of collected Negro Memorabilia. The majority of my collection consists of books. While I do have many antique books, I also have modern books. One such artist whose work is collected in the following book

is Michael Ray Charles. (Yes, this cover is one of his works). This handsome young man teaches at University of Texas Austin. His works have been exhibited nationally from little ole Austin, to Chicago, to New York. While he receives many complaints about his stereotypical portrayal of blacks, he receives equal accolades. His work is insightful and stunning. I love him for being so bold - bold in the message he is sending and bold in not shying away. While his work screams without having to speak a word. Although, Michael is originally from Louisiana, we are privileged to have him on loan in Texas! Keep on keeping on, MRC.

A couple of my favorite prints from Michael:

A few of his PRINTS may be viewed on this page - they are shown on the right side of the page.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Congrats Hammer !

Hammer published his first video today. In congratulatory response, I give you

Now, you know we love ya Hammer!

Do You Love Your Momma?

Black Memorabilia

I have collected black memorabilia for a number of years now. No, I am not racist; I just find alot of these things interesting and/or cute. Mom in Minx asked to see some of my collection, so here are a few pieces of my large collection. (Some of these pictures arent' very clear, alas.) Stay tuned for Texas Tuesday when I will display another favorite. I have a large book collection ranging from fictional (Miss Minerva and William Green Hill ) to non-fiction (Negro Legislators of Texas).

This last picture is the back cover of a 1893 Judge magazine. The caption below the picture reads:

"Kin any one tall a po' culled man what to do in a case like dis?"

Friday, March 09, 2007

Ten Things I Did As A Kid

Hammer invited participants to answer Ten Things I Did As A Kid meme. So, here goes.

Between ages 1 - 6

When I was a kid: I wrote my name on every book I owned and carved my name with a knife into an antique dresser.

When I was a kid: I used to walk to elementary school which wasn't far away. One day, on the walk home, the next door neighbor boy kept coming up behind me and putting his hands over my eyes. He did this three times (which is still my limit). I was trying to put my hands over his eyes, he was struggling and I clawed his eye lids pretty badly.

When I was a kid: A teacher wanted to paddle me for saying my ABCs in first grade. She had left the room and told us not to talk while she was gone. After awhile, I started singing the ABC's. Only one other boy joined me. He was paddled with a board and I refused to let her paddle me for saying my ABC's. Even at a young age, I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. Hmm, I wonder where that bitch is now.

When I was a kid: My mother sent me into the house to get scissors so that she could cut roses. I didn't want to do it and probably got a spat on the leg. I went inside, got the scissors and cut my long blonde hair. The next day was pictures at the preschool and I have a funky little short haircut!

When I was a kid: I climbed "like a monkey" (as my parents say). I started walking at 9 months and climbing everything soonafter. Pulling the oven door down and climbing upon it, I could hoist myself upon the kitchen cabinet. Once I got the Draino and rubbed it on the dog and myself.

When I was a kid: Climbing to get into the medicine cabinet, I retrieved the E-lax and gave it to the little boy who was visiting with his parents.

When I was a kid: At just over a year old, I climbed the backyard cyclone fence and ran away. Mother had just stepped inside to grab the telephone and I took off. A neighbor about a block away found me.

When I was a kid: I broke a glass coke bottle over my ankle. My first stitches.

Ages 7 and up

When I was a kid: Mother had me participate in practically every sort of activity possible. Gymnastics, piano lessons, art classes, twirling, dance lessons, etc.

When I was a kid: I wagged my youngest little brother (6 years younger) around as if he were my live baby doll. I also gave him his first and only whipping.

Whew, I almost couldn't stop! I'm sure Mother will have some additions....

Little Buddy

Friend Tart posted yesterday about Arnie and his Little Buddy, so I thought now might be a good time to post about Little Buddy who is visiting from Brodie Cattle Company. He has been here a few weeks (and probably a few more) to service my girls.

As you can see, Little Buddy ain't so little but he's fairly friendly. Notice that he is pictured with my two bull calves - he seems to like the boys (so far) cause I haven't seen him loving the girls, YET.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

This is A Public Service

Kids, take responsibility for your actions. This video offers suggetions for avoiding trouble.

(Ya gotta love Chris!)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Fencing for Clumsy Idiots

By Dick's request, here are a couple of pictures, taken yesterday, of my shin that was raped by barbed wire February 24th. Yes, I know I should have gotten stitches, but damn it, I didn't. Probably gonna need a plastic surgeon.... (Oh, and Dick, I measured the length and despite what guys have been telling me about measurements, the wound is a mere 6 inches, not 8, but it is very deep.) Don't ask for the details, cause I'll have to give a cockamamy story.

Yes, I do shave my legs; however, I had to be careful around THAT area! Give me a break!
Okay, Dick, I showed you mine....

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Texas Tuesday: Deep In The Heart of Texas

Do you know the words to "Deep In The Heart of Texas?"

The music was written by Don Swander with lyrics by June Hershey. In 1942, the song made its debut when it was recorded by Perry Como,
Hank Thompson, Reba McIntyre, George Strait, Bing Crosby, Alvino Rey, Gene Autry sang the song in "Heart of the Rio Grande" movie and his version may be the most well known.

The stars at night are big an' bright . . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The prairie sky is wide an' high . . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The sage in bloom is like perfume. . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Reminds me of the one I love. . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!

The coyotes wale along the trail . . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The rabbits rush around the brush . . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!

The cowboys cry 'Cai Yippi Yi'. . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The doggies bawl and' bawl an' bawl . . .
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Deep in the heart of Texas!

THIS LINK will take you to the UT Band site to listen to their version.

The "Yankee" version involves four claps before each line of "deep in the heart of Texas."

Eva Longoria will be staring in a new movie with the

Friday, March 02, 2007

Questions And Answers About Partnerships

Wife: Honey: " What are You Looking for?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was just looking 4 the expiration date."
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
One Woman Brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.
Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure, what are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes and no."
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Husband: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Husband: "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other problem can there be greater than this one
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE."
Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire."
Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the warning."
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Thursday, March 01, 2007


These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.