Monday, November 13, 2006

Rattlesnake Rednecks

I have been meaning to post regarding a story that was relayed to me recently. In addition, Hammer mentioned "Rattlesnake Bite Jokes." Both of these topics have me thinking of rednecks, so here goes:

A local hairdresser recently told me about her husband's escapade with a rattlesnake. He and cousin Junior were just driving down the road when "oh me gosh thars a snake in the road."

"Hit it, hit it."

"Alright, man."

"Hurry, turn around. Let's get em."

"Right here, pull over."

The fool picked up the run over snake and it bit him. (I would have PAID to see that). Hell, what's a rattlesnake bite to one on a mission: gettin that there skin. No insurance carrying fool later, the hairdresser and her husband are $25,000+ in debt and he has been unable to work for weeks. But, hey man, they have a neat snake skin to show for it. Idiot rednecks.

A redneck bonus (favs copied from
Here) :

You might be a redneck, if
One wall of your home is a tarp
You’ve ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer
You’ve ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs
You use a handful of creek mud as birth control
You’ve ever had to wipe your butt with a shower curtain
You’ve ever broken a pair of toenail clippers
Your brother died in a deer stand-making contest
You’ve ever lost money in a bet involving a ceiling fan
Your wallpaper is insulation and 2x4’s
You’ve ever corrected your child with a beer can
You’ve ever drove a 4-wheeler through Wal-Mart
You’ve ever delivered a baby with grill utensils
You got put in jail because of your first kiss
You’ve ever slicked your hair back with fish guts
You’ve ever put a coupon for Shake N’ Bake in the offertory plate
You’ve ever played a prank using real diarrhea
You’ve ever washed your kids in a water fountain
You’ve ever spent your birthday at the Laundromat
Your momma’s belt buckle says Hetero-Pride
You’ve ever lost your index finger in a hoedown
You’ve ever licked the freezer burn off of the unwrapped hindquarter of a deer due to a game of truth or dare
You’ve ever been the sole cause for a mosh pit to disperse
Your wedding dress was actually a pee stained bed sheet
You’ve ever freshened your breath with Lysol
You’ve ever used hairspray as deodorant
You’ve ever made chili so hot that you could see the fabric of time (I’m guilty of this!!)

You bought pantyhose from a convenience store to cover your face just before you robbed it
You’ve ever shaved with a cheese grater
You’ve ever made emergency anniversary earrings for your wife out of fishing lures
You think DNA stands for Don’t Never Again
You've ever pierced an ear with a rattlesnake tooth and a jackhammer
You’ve ever driven a car with 4 temporary spare tires on it
You’ve ever flossed a tooth clean out of socket
The hit counter on your website says –1
You think a 401K is an assault rifle
Your sister uses a feed sack as a sanitary napkin
You’ve ever used a sanitary napkin at the dinner table
You’ve ever cleaned a loaded gun
You’ve ever snorted cocaine through a rolled up food stamp
You’ve ever spent your WIC check at a titty bar
You’ve ever driven 30 miles out of the way for a one-cent per gallon discount on unleaded
You have your coondog’s name tattooed on your butt cheek
Your internet provider keeps his servers in dog houses behind his singlewide
You never could get your parents’ names right because there were so many of them
You had 7 kids with the girl you said you wouldn’t kiss if she were the last woman on earth

Your high school allowed firearms on premise (and mine had two smoking patios)
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And you really might be a redneck if you capture baby rattlesnakes in an old coffee can and release them at the neighbor's property line.

2 comments:

hammer said...

I have some cousins that would represent many of those remarks.

Actually they wouldn't even get why we think it's funny.

Stephen said...

Hahahah! Those redneck jokes came from my site and we actually came up with all of them. Thanks for the linkback too, very cool. It was interesting to see which ones you pulled out of the list.