Hesitance

Caring about living beings becomes difficult after so many losses. Love and loss has a tendency to harden the heart. In my younger years, people seemed invincible. Of course there was the heart break but somehow I was resilient to that younger love loss. The newness of feelings allowed me to dive right into the emotional mosh pit - over and over again. My emotional availability has eroded. No longer can I cry over the loss of a loved one and I find myself guarded in my caring. Being terrified yet craving closeness is a torture unto itself.

Many friends/babies that I really loved have stepped out of my life via moving, dislocating, or dying. Recently, a new acquaintance initiated friendship. I emotionally ran and have practically avoided her. Avoiding spending time with Hubby is easy enough; he doesn't desire my company and I have given up offering it. About 7 years ago, I thought I was very emotionally open; yet I recall being told by someone that I would not let down my wall.

My little Ceri, lying beside me now, adores me and I cannot fully reciprocate. This summer, I had rescued a Meezer (Siamese) kitty that I named Lucy. I was enamoured by her. After 9 weeks, she was killed in a golf cart accident. A few weeks later, Hubby brought me Ceri kitty. I just could not let myself love her for the longest time. Now, while I do care about her, my feelings are limited and my heart hurts for it.

With each love lost the heart loves less and takes longer to grow. I have forgotten how to love!