X-Rated Jokes

Too lazy to write a real post, so here's some x-rated jokes:

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q: What do you do when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you?
A: Shorten her chain.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.

Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking and in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.