TEXAS TUESDAY: Farmers Are Not Dumb

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the Authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life. Close behind is the rancher's bull.The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,

"YOUR CARD! SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!"

Oh my word! I cannot believe it has been a year since I last posted.

Dear Hammer, thank you for checking in on me. Have all others abandoned this ship as I did?!? Actually, it has been one HELL of a year which I should relay in blog. Truly blogging is healing and supportive.

So, fellow bloggers who were so faithfully my friends, do you want to hear about my past year?

An Italian Anniversary

At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th- anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

Ed Note:
My dear fellow bloggers, Please forgive my fairly extended absence. Instead of today's joke, I should write a novel relaying events of previous weeks. Cliff note version: My elder cow gave a surprise birth to a new bull calf - I have named Who's the Daddy; my long-time barn cat who moved to the farm with me has disappeared or gone off to die; Best friend borrowed money from me and decided to not return my phone calls anymore; Survived a huge flood that gave us 12 inches of rain in 24 hours; Hubby initiated divorce proceedings which of course I don't want and have been devastated; met and dated a guy for a couple weeks who has pancreatic cancer and didn't treat me so well (meds or his general attitude?); was stood up on a couple of dates with other jerks; then last week met the neatest man in line at the store - we have been inseparable. Don't want to jinx myself, so I will leave you with the promise of REALLY updating and visiting your sites soon. Thank you for your continued cyber friendship and support! Cyber hugs, NoMas

Just For Slick Michael

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Best F%^&ing Wishes

Sentemtality

Aw, since I am feeling the love from some of my personal friends, I decided to share a little with my dear blogger friends!


Interesting Health Fact

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve
that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for
giving people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and
see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

Texas Tuesday: Friends

Texas Friends:

FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Always bring the food.

FRIENDS: Will say "hello".
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss.

FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being
together, and then clean up.

FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass's that left you.

FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

FRIENDS: Are for a while.
TEXAS FRIENDS: Are for life.

X-Rated Revisited Questions & Answers, et al

Dear Readers: My apologies for neglecting you. I have been busy with numerous projects and promise to visit each of you soon. A big thank you to STARRLIGHT for mentioning me as a

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.



Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?

A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.



Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his ass.



Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.



Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

A: The cake jumps out of the girl.



Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it



Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak



Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?

A: You push it to the side before you start eating.



Q: What do you do when your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you?

A: Shorten her chain



Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.



Q: How is a woman like a condom?

A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.



Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.



Q: How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?

A: They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking and in the end you lose your house.



Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.



Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.



Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?

A: Michael Jackson's hand.



Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?

A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.



Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or>spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up."

The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

Friday Freakies

This guy loved his tattoo until he was convicted and sent to the penitentiary.

What Type of Candy Are You?

(Lazy, but fun post)

You scored as 3 Musketeers, You are a 3 Musketeers. You are a very loyal and romantic person - you love to cuddle! You enjoy simple pleasures and are very content with your life. You have lots of friends and everyone you meet likes you! 3 Musketeers 70% Twix 65% Skittles/Gummi Bears 60% Hershey Bar 60% Jolly Ranchers 55% M&M\'s 50% KitKat/Crunch Bar 35% Reese's Peanut Butter Cup 35% *What Type of Candy Are You?* (w/pics.) created with QuizFarm.com