The obvious solution to the problem of finding a site for the George W. Bush presidential library?
Since the thing causes a stink whenever someone suggests putting it at a real university, why not put it at an online university such as the University of Phoenix? If the library were confined to the Internet, it would eliminate Bush just showing up on campus and embarrassing the administration.
Here's my concept: We could make the Bush library a Web page. You know, www.i'mthedecider.com. Or, www.missionaccomplished .com. Or, and this is my personal favorite, www.you're doingaheckuvajobbrownie .com. Or, www.foolmeonce shameonyoufoolmeyoucan't getfooledagain.com. Or, speaking of books, how 'bout mypetgoat.com.
I came up with this idea after it became apparent that Bush might be getting snubbed by some in the Methodist Church. Nobody gets tossed out of the Methodist Church. This ain't the Baptists. The Baptists will bust you for bringing a cooler. The Methodists don't even care what you put in the cooler.
Methodists are usually nonjudgmental. You could walk into a Methodist Church on Sunday morning with your pants down around your ankles, and they'd figure you had arthritis and couldn't bend over to pull 'em up. You've got to really screw up to get dissed by the Methodists.
But in Dallas, some of the folks at Southern Methodist University have started a petition asking that the Bush library not be put on their campus. This has something to do with an aversion to torture, human rights violations, a war started on false pretenses like nonexistent weapons of mass destruction, attacking a country that didn't attack you first — all that kind of picky stuff.
Here's a school that the first lady attended, and it isn't unequivocally welcoming Bush's collection of books, which are probably confined to one box in his garage.
If your old lady's alma mater won't even let you in the door without causing a fuss, you've got a real image problem.
So how do you get around that? Just make the library a virtual one. Who could complain?
The other possibility would be to put the Bush library in a van and drive it around like one of those mobile lending libraries. Dick Cheney could drive. Heck, I'd ride shotgun. Let me rephrase that before he shoots me in the face.
But I'm favoring the virtual library because it has all sorts of selling points.
You know how Bush is always speaking to military guys because they're a receptive audience? I imagine that those guys get tired of having to sit through all that. If Bush's library occurs at a real university, you know they're going to get stuck sitting through more speeches. If it's at a virtual university, they're off the hook.
This virtual thing also keeps those annoying library tourists from coming around, which frees up parking. Also, you wouldn't have to deal with those pesky Secret Service motorcades passing through, causing traffic jams.
John Kelso
